Did You Recognise These Red Flags?
A checklist for women who are starting to question whether what happened to them was really abuse — or who knew all along but couldn’t find the words.
Many of us didn’t recognise what was happening until years later. That is not your fault. Abuse rarely announces itself. It arrives in small, deniable moments — wrapped in charm, explained away, and designed to make you doubt your own memory. Work through this checklist at your own pace. There are no right or wrong answers. There is only your truth.
- He seemed to know exactly what you’d always wanted — and claimed to want it too, almost immediately
- The relationship moved very fast — declarations of love, future plans, or moving in together came unusually early
- He made you feel like you’d finally found your soulmate — that no one had ever understood you like this before
- He was intensely attentive at the start — constant messages, gifts, grand gestures — then that changed
- Looking back, you feel he reflected your own values, personality and desires back at you — like a mirror
- He tested your boundaries early — with a confession, a “joke,” or a small boundary push — to see how you’d respond
- You felt chosen, special, elevated — like he’d selected you above all others for a reason
- He subtly criticised your friends or family — or created situations where seeing them became difficult
- You found yourself explaining or justifying his behaviour to people who were concerned about you
- When you raised a concern, it somehow ended up being about something you had done wrong
- You began to doubt your own memory — “did that really happen the way I remember it?”
- He controlled, monitored or questioned how money was spent — even if the money was yours
- You felt you had to manage his moods — walking on eggshells to keep things calm
- Your world gradually became smaller — fewer friends, fewer choices, less confidence than before you met him
- He made you feel financially dependent on him — even if you had your own income or assets
- Debt, property, or financial agreements were structured in ways that benefited him and left you exposed
- You felt unable to leave — practically, financially, emotionally, or because you feared what he might do
- He used threats (explicit or implied) to keep you compliant — to your reputation, finances, home, or children
- He presented a completely different face to the outside world — charming, respected, well-liked
- You gave up work, opportunities, or your own identity to accommodate the relationship
- You felt a constant low-level anxiety that was hard to name — always waiting for the next thing
- As an unmarried partner, you discovered you had fewer legal rights than you assumed — and he may have known that
- Leaving didn’t end it — the abuse changed form and continued after you separated
- He used legal systems, courts, or official processes as a weapon against you
- You reported what happened but were not believed, or felt your experience was minimised
- He made false allegations or character attacks to damage your credibility
- Financial abuse continued post-separation — withholding assets, creating legal costs, or leaving you in debt
- You were told by professionals that what happened “didn’t meet the threshold” — even when your documents said otherwise
- You have spent years rebuilding what was systematically dismantled — and you are still here
A note on this checklist: Recognising red flags does not require you to have experienced all of them, or in any particular order. Abuse is not a checklist — it is a pattern designed to keep you confused. If even a handful of these resonated, your experience is real and your response to it makes complete sense. You are not alone, and this was not your fault.
You’ve Recognised the Pattern. What Comes Next?
Read the first chapter of The Dream I Was Sold — a true account of how abuse begins, told from the inside. Many women say it was the first time they felt truly understood.
Get the Free Chapter → Or book a 1:1 mentoring session with Loraine